FoolishTimes is 5 Years old! Come Join the Fun!

Just in case the above poster is too hard to read (who are we kidding, we know it’s hard to read, we just find it funny watching you squint) we are listing all the features of the party in a legible fashion right here.

Where:
Golden State Theatre - 417 Alvarado St in Old Downtown Monterey

Time:
Saturday August 23rd - From 4:30pm to 8:45pm

What:

• Double Feature Cinema:  “Wall-e” and “Hold That Ghost”
• Giveaways,  Prizes and other Surprises
• Free Pizza and Coca Cola products
• First 50 Guest get a free t-Shirt

Schedule:
Movie: “Wall-e” at  4:30pm
Party: 6:10pm
Movie: “Hold That Ghost” at  7:00pm
Encore: “Wall-e” at  8:45pm

Price: $8
(Psstt… hey… Come closer. If you tell them you’ve come for the Foolish Times Party they’ll let you in for $5!!! That means you can still buy your Sunday morning Starbucks. What a way to work the system eh?)

Recap:
3 Movies!
Free Pizza!
Free Coke!
Lots of other free gifts!

See Ya There!

This month’s note will be short and sweet, as opposed to last month’s long-and-sour effort. Highlights of our July issue include Giosue Santarelli’s cover story about obscenely high gas prices; L. Dustin Twede’s hilarious recounting of his experiences with an “overachieving” stomach; and Jennifer E. Hewitt’s short story “Heart of Home Depot,” a marvelous parody of Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” (The humor! The humor!) We also feature a wonderful poem by Kerry Wood, “Hommage au Fromage,” which manages to be “cheesy” without being cheesy. And finally, we include a picture of cat wearing a dress, as the results of our demographic survey pointed to one glaring hole in our humor coverage: not enough dress-wearing cats. You’re welcome.

The “Refrigerator Man” is gone but not forgotten! I can’t help but smile when I think of the hours and hours of belly laughs George Carlin brought to my life. Thanks, George!

Had a little detour myself last week, so we’re a little behind on the party planning for the Foolish Times 5-year birthday. Here’s what we have so far.1. August 23: two comedy movies (to be determined) at the Golden State Theatre. Another to-be-determined comedian in-between.

2. August 20: Comedy night at Monterey Live with audience participation.

3. Prizes and surprises!

Look for posters at local stores.

Check the websites: Goldenstatetheatre.com, Montereylive.com, Foolishtimes.net. We’ll post more information as we figure it out.

Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

My mom has always been creative. A long time ago-back when “Saturday Night Live” was funny-she’d decorate cakes to look like soccer fields, pyramids, women endowed with Hostess Sno-Balls.You lost your innocence early in my home.

Mom works for the bank-THE bank-so her creative urges surface through cracks in the sidewalk. She mostly takes it out on the holidays.

At Christmas her tree is so burdened with ornaments that it leans to one side like Joe Cocker and children place the star on top without even stretching. Read the rest of this article »

Where have all the kid’s TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John?Okay. There’s Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that’s PBS.

Why don’t kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they’re missing. When we were kids, we grew up with these crazy people.

I volunteer to become the new kiddie show MC, Captain Muppie (Middle Aged, Upwardly Mobile). A show updated to reflect today’s world, today’s values, and the street smarts and intelligence of today’s kids. These modern kids know more about sex than I did when I was twenty years old. Read the rest of this article »

Don’t be misled by the title of this column. It’s a touchy, odiferous subject, but harnessing the power of gas could save the world! It is somehow always credited to Dad, his nightly bottle of beer and his three-bean casserole.However, there is something to be said for the ancient dinosaurs who gave their lives to become the goo in the ground that has powered incalculable numbers of batteries. Read the rest of this article »

I called my wife before I left work. I’m not sure why I did this. Maybe it was out of courtesy. Maybe it’s a habit my mom beat into my head when I was a kid. Or maybe I’m just not that bright.I think it’s the last one.

“I’m going to the store on my way home,” I told her.

That was simple enough, right? In the Western world, a guy saying “I’m going to the store” usually means “I’m out of beer.” Everyone knows that. Well, everyone but women. Read the rest of this article »

I found the Foolish Times deadline for the “Adventures with Rex” story fast approaching, and nothing came to mind to write about. In fact, nothing had happened in the last month.”

Rex, what are we going to write about? Nothing is new.” Rex, who had been sleeping on his back on the sofa, cracked an eye open and gave me a dismissive look. His look indicated it was MY problem, not OUR problem. Read the rest of this article »

I was a gregarious child. I used to dance with my belly before I could walk and when I could finally maneuver on two legs, I would grab any unsuspecting human close to my size, shake them, and make them dance with me.My first best friend was my neighbor, Michael Casey. We were together constantly. This was perhaps why a lot of my friends are men now. I entered kindergarten at 4.5 years old and had my first boyfriend named Brian for two years. He was very polite, wore a bow tie, and played the violin. Mom reminded me that I brought him to my birthday party in a headlock. Read the rest of this article »

Recently, I decided to go on a diet.Over the years, I have relied heavily upon my stomach for making the food consumption decisions for the rest of my body. This seemed like affective body management delegation, since no other part of my body sends signals to the home office complaining of hunger.

It’s becoming painfully evident that when it comes to job performance, my stomach has been “overachieving.” In a typical business environment, you usually don’t want to stifle overachievers because they compensate for the underachievers, commonly known as the general workforce. Read the rest of this article »

A week before, I had moved to Hollywood from freezing Michigan. The bikini-clad shoppers and Elvis impersonators on Hollywood Boulevard were a welcome sight at the end of my three-day drive south. I moved into an apartment three blocks from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard and I was chomping at the bit to get out and explore this fascinating place.First I’d need the right shoes. All the shoes I’d owned in Michigan were black, leather, and snow proof. I knew exactly what I wanted: A moderate heel, just enough that I could wear them with jeans and look sexy but nothing that I couldn’t outrun street thugs in. Nothing black, more of a nude color to accommodate the beach feel of L.A. No ankle straps to call attention to my cankles, no pointy toes to further elongate my size 10 feet, and no big price to call my husband’s attention to our bank account. So I set out for the Hollywood and Highland mall. Read the rest of this article »

The New Baby
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the sight of the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” Read the rest of this article »

Uh-oh. A black-and-yellow fuzzball the size of a winged guinea pig is straddling my sandwich. Whew! It’s a bumble bee, not a wasp. In the bug world, bees are the football linemen, intimidating yet mild-mannered, usually history majors. But the wasp families, including hornets and yellowjackets, resemble skinny basketball players with an attitude. And they crave meat-preferably still breathing.Discover the fascinating world of wasps through: (a) books; (b) picnics; and (c) mowing over a ground nest. Interactive learning is such fun! Wasp removal by lawnmower, however, is generally frowned upon by animal rights people and emergency room staff. So I make tiny traps out of staples and peanut shells, then release the caged individuals in another neighborhood. Not yours, I’m 50% sure. Read the rest of this article »

Jeff Gordon… you’ve got nothing on me. Tony Stewart… try walking in my shoes. Dale Earnhardt Jr… don’t even think about it.These boys every Sunday play around in supercharged flying machines designed to go faster than politicians running to a photo opportunity. They swerve in and out of traffic, dodging each other, bouncing around at times like a ball bearing in a pinball machine.

“Tradin’ paint,” the announcer says.

I may be bragging, but I can do one better. I take my teenagers to school every morning. Even more, I take them to high school. Read the rest of this article »

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic expanse before us.”And this also,” said Marla suddenly, “has been one of the dark places of the earth.”

She was the only woman of us who still “followed a blueprint” and believed in the infallibility of a delivery date. The worst that could be said of her was that she was overly friendly with the hired help. She was a home visionary of the highest order, but she was also an explorer of many styles, and that is where she differed from the rest of us home repair types. Read the rest of this article »

July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Pleasure week, the first week of July, was made just for you because you love the finer things: delicious food, expensive wine, a nice ride, and a gorgeous house. Unfortunately, Pebble Beach real-estate prices were not made just for you, or anyone else in the real world. Read the rest of this article »

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Read the rest of this article »