The Rx-Files

By Ted Gargiulo – Suffering from post election-year hangover? Campaign hype and overkill got you down? Tired of the posturing, the evasions, the half-truths and the political doublespeak that pass for news night after night? Wish you had some hard scientific data—a clinical scoresheet, if you will—with which to evaluate the elusive, biological entities running our nation? You’re not alone.

Never has transparency in government been as hot an issue as it is right now. The clamor for truth has gone viral. Already, our collective obsession with knowing everything about everybody has all but dominated the media. Pretty soon, if trends continue, nothing will be hidden from public scrutiny.

Eventually, the medical records of every elected official, candidate and political wannabe will be posted on the internet and discussed on all the major news programs and social networks. Schools of self-styled “psycho-political physiologists” will analyze these disclosures to better understand the forces that make these creatures tick. How might such factors as blood sugar, heart rate or serotonin levels affect one’s leadership? Should a pre-diabetic, three-pack-a-day smoker with adrenal insufficiency, a body-mass index above 410 and a family history of stroke, run for President?

One day, the biological cycles and mood swings of every Washington bigwig will be documented in The Snoop’s Almanac, along with a list of “best guess” days on which certain persons should (or should NOT) be approached.

Boob-Tubers will be regaled with increasingly invasive news specials, as competing networks dig deeper to deliver the dirt. For starters: an up-close, in-your-face account of one congressman’s colonoscopy, replete with graphic testimonies from attending physicians and radiologists! What did the surgeons find? What did they remove? What secrets did the congressman mutter under anesthesia? Who visited him during his recovery? An exclusive interview with the orderly who emptied the dude’s bed pan. With the 300 pound nurse who held him down when he became violent.

Next, meet the brave Missouri housewife who shared Sen. Babs Fullerbunk’s hospital room. Marvel as she reveals their intimate conversations. How does the senator really feel about the major issues? Her political rivals? The President? Find out what the senator’s nervous breakdown cost the taxpayers. Hear chilling eyewitness accounts of the night Babs Fullerbunk attacked her roommate with a tongue depressor, then threatened to pull out her IV if she didn’t vote for her in November.

Don’t be surprised if, between now and the next major election, there’s talk of placing medications on the general ballot, as a way of giving voters greater power over the people they put in power. Sound like a winner? Why not add magic potions to the list!

• Mind altering preparations that would render key decision makers more sensitive to the people they represent, more compassionate, easier to persuade;
• Sedatives to reign them in when they crack;
• Serums that force them to tell the truth;
• Elixirs to induce guilt when all else fails.
Given our penchant for contention, I expect the above proposal (albeit ludicrous) will spark furious national debate. Every pundit, crank and buttinsky in the land will be weighing in on, “What’s best for the people?…for the nation?…for our CHILDREN?” And, “Who has the right to decide such things?”
The poop is out there. Join the discussion and spread it around.

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