Raccoon Real Estate

by Stefan Chapman — Hello other raccoons of Monterey. It’s P. Lotor here, long-time user of your newspaper for a place to sleep, first-time writing in. I wanted to talk about the crazy living situation we have here in Monterey. I’m the co-owner of Real Raccoon Real Estate up near Del Monte Boulevard. A lot of people mistake us with Cardinalli Realty & Property Management Company, and that’s because we are living underneath them.

My boss wanted me to write in to give our pitch to all of the local raccoons looking for the perfect place to live. For all you trash dwellers looking to can your can, for those of you who have had enough of your next-door raccoon keeping you up at 12 in the afternoon. Welcome to the triple R. The Real Raccoon Real Estate. We are here to inform you about what is hot, smelly, and can fit every member of your family.

So, you’re new to Monterey because you just saw that HBO series with Raccoon Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman about how exciting it is to lie to your husband and be by the ocean. You moved to Monterey with hopes of an exciting new chapter, but you’re still living that same old life finding new ways to sneak into the human’s house.

Here’s the type of wisdom we can offer you at the triple R. If you’ve moved to “The Wharf,” it’s time to get out. We get you raccoons. Who doesn’t’t love the wharf? The smell of rotten fish wafting through the air. The feeling of water on the back of your coat as the water sweeps away one of your children you don’t like. The fear you see in the humans as they shine a flashlight at you and see the glassy reflection in your unblinking eyes as you stare blankly at their trembling face. Plus, all the free food.

Unfortunately, it’s time to leave that spot to the local raccoons. There are too many raccoons down there. Shaun, a local raccoon, said, “Some raccoon just pushed my wife into the ocean, and stole our favorite rock. What are we, seals?” Obviously, this area is too maxed out to accommodate any more raccoons.

But here’s the good news: CSUMB! If you’re a raccoon and you want a new place to stay that’s the place for you. College students are the closest things to raccoons that you are going to find. They’re smelly, they leave their trash everywhere and they live in rooms with too many other humans. Just like raccoons! CSUMB is filled with empty parking lots that cars never park in, so your children can run free in peace. There are trash cans everywhere and the humans just hurl their trash at the dumpster, so finding an old sandwich is as easy as scurrying into the shadows. Plenty of room, and trash for all you immigrating raccoons.

Well, this is all the info I wanted to share with the raccoons of Monterey. Stop by our office and we’ll offer you some great customer service. I’ll leave you a buying tip for Monterey though. The “G” in “PG” stands for garbage.

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