by Roger Freed — Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses. They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them. They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense.
Their form combines all the elements of dark, loathsome things combined — a hunchback like he of Notre Dame fame, a physique like the super creepy alien in Alien I,II, III and IV and however more there are, spider like legs, a snout like a mastodon and the blood lust of a Dracula.
As it is with most species, the human one especially, it is the female that causes all the trouble (Letter writing feminists: there is no need to form an angry rebuttal to this — it is all based upon pure scientific research, although admittedly, most of the scientists are males and chauvinistic piggies to boot. Plus I do not give out my email to anyone. Neener, neener, neener!) It is the female who bites. Males, being more hippie-like, are content to sip flower nectar to satisfy their lusts. In attacking we humans she does so by inserting not one but two tubes under the skin- one to inject saliva and the other to draw out the blood. This is a double insult, not only does the bitch steal a snack, but she is SPITTING IN us as well! Even zombies don’t spit in your empty skull before eating your brains out, they at least have that much decency left!
A lot is said about the numbers and voraciousness of mosquitoes in Alaska. Actually it isn’t that there are more mosquitoes necessarily, it’s just that there is a lesser density of humans for them to munch on there. Of course, there are a greater number of large, blood saturated mammals, such as bears and moose, for them to slurp on than in the lower 48. Unfortunately, we humans have killed off so many of our fellow mammals that the mosquitoes must make up for the loss in plasma revenues by dining more on those responsible for the shortage. In the lower 48 the percentage of the itch-stickers to humans is around 56 per person whereas in Alaska it is around 56,000 per person. There are times when all 56,000 have the munchies at the same time and whole frontier towns have been known to be rabidly decimated.
Now the biting widgets can detect the carbon dioxide which we breathe out from 75 feet away. If we could only learn to breathe in and not breathe out, there would be no problem. Well, no problem except for our asphyxiated bodies lying about all over the place.
According to one study, a full moon can increase mosquito activity by 500 percent. Great, this means that not only are the damn things related to vampires, but to werewolves as well.
For all their trouble, mosquitoes themselves are often beset by adversaries. The blunt-leafed bay orchid is so small that the only insect that can pollinate it is the mosquito. When taking a break from tormenting humans, a mosquito will often enter one of these flowers only to have the pollinia spring forward and attach the pollen to its head. The mosquito then exits the flower looking like she is coming from a drunken New Year’s Eve party wearing a yellow traffic cone on her head. Her vanity is further deflated when all the other mosquitoes cruelly call her ‘cone head’ behind her back. And it affects her social standing in the mosquito society. This frustration is then taken out on we poor schmucks by the incensed insect.
When it comes to mosquitoes, they really bite.