American Woman, Stay Away from Me

by Daria James — Gwyneth Paltrow wants to be the Oprah of wellness, and why not? They have so much in common. They are both white females born to wealthy parents in show business; their dads cast them in a movie, skipping those pesky auditions normal actors have to go through to land that guy drinking coffee number one part, and launched their acting career. What was that? That wasn’t Oprah?! Well, now I feel ridiculous! But not as ridiculous as Oprah felt after she said, “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” Come again, that wasn’t Oprah either?! Right, next you are going to tell me she was born into poverty in some rustic Mississippi town, back when some people had to drink from separate water fountains.

I used to eat those instant noodle soups all the time (before balling on a budget was cool and sodium was a public enemy). Add some chopped onions, squeeze one lime in, some salsa Tapatio and a splash of ketchup, and you got yourself a party! I bet Oprah never ate that. Shooooot, I should have my own TV show. Because I am doing fan-freaking-tastic! Not only are those cup of noodles deadly and delicious, they are motivators.

Help me out here. Doesn’t one have to overcome some type of obstacle to start giving advice on how to better oneself? The audience might even believe you when you are talking to them.
Next, you are going to tell me the daughter of a millionaire real estate man is releasing a book about being a working woman and balancing a perfect life, while not even trying to understate her privileged life. Oh, she did?! … Son of @#$%^&!!!

I know America is the land of opportunity but some people are really stretching that, like the people that claim to be five percent of a minority. Especially when they: 1) do not speak the language, 2. Experience the struggle attached with said minority and, 3. Seriously, stop that! I have a mixed background; Spaniard, French, Yaqui and legend has it Asian, the latter has not been confirmed, and the person who could tell me all about it took that story to the grave, but you know legends never die. What I can tell you is that math is not my forte, so perhaps I just debunked that theory. The point being, when I fill out applications I claim Mexican. For, I do not speak French, I don’t even like French food, unless you count wine, and if you do then I would be Italian. But from New York. As far as the Spaniard side, well, sometimes I have this urge to take other people’s properties and claim them as my own. I heard that is frowned upon nowadays, and they will not call you conquistador; unless you are a president and then you can just grab things, and some delusional nut job will try to rationalize those erroneous actions, which really says a lot more than less about them than the actual perp, so, there is that. I also feel like I am genetically inclined to decline taking naps (siesta is like a fiesta). In my book, all of Mexico’s bad habits should be attributed to the Spaniards. They love siestas in Spain as well. The Aztecs were busy building pyramids before those guys showed up, they had a civilization, they were astronomers, they were warriors, they did not have gunpowder though. Sometimes I wonder what would have been if the Vikings has sailed to Mexico first.

Being the Oprah of something should mean one had an unfair disadvantage when they started and now have it all and then some. But this is America, and anyone can claim they started from the bottom, even Canadians. Hey, remember when the Falcons had a 25-point lead, and then the Patriots won the Super Bowl? They are the Oprahs of football.

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