Dog Needs a Job

by Stefan Chapman — The name is Phil. Born a schnauzer, but always identified as a Great Dane. I have lived in Monterey my whole life, so that’s about 32 years of Monterey. My roommates say four years, but I feel 32.

My roommates say I am always hungry, but I only eat because I am not sure what else to do with my time in Monterey.

I work a standard dog collar job. I take care of the roommates when they are home, like 99 percent of the dogs in this town. On my days off, the roommates and I go hiking. We will go out for a beer and a snack at a beer place. They still haven’t made a beer catered toward a dog yet, so we are still thirsty (seriously, us dogs talk).

All this negative dog energy I have been putting out lately is because I want to be more involved in my community. I have submitted a bunch of resumes, but I think I might be too cute to be taken seriously. Not one call back. So I am writing here in the hopes that a screwed pooch can end these dog days with a happy smile on his face.

The top job for me is to work at the aquarium. I am so good at handing out pamphlets and I barely drool on any of them. I have this special method I use where I don’t bite too hard, but hard enough that even a little human can pull out a single pamphlet. I love the otters there, mainly because we just click conversation-wise. Seriously! Ask them what to do with wet fur. Their answers will astound you.

The other job which is tied with the Aquarium is working at Alvarado. I am a brewer dog, but don’t get me confused with Hank in Milwaukee. I am all brew and all bite. Dogs in Monterey get this rep of being all about sitting with their owners, but I am that dog who brings the good brews.
Alvarado is all about those citrus beers, but have they done anything with my bud; a local dog named Thomas! He brews a Beernease Mountain Smog and it’s the best snout I have ever had. I helped with fermentation process. We call it beergle fermentation, if you know what I mean.

The next one is kind of just a bark for help. I need someone to fund my farmers market stand. I have been wanting to have my own stand at the farmers market since someone dropped their Chicago dog on Alvarado Street and I got a bite. After that, I’ve just wanted more.

I have always been interested in paw readings between dogs and their roommates, so I thought it might be nice for the humans and pups to see what pawtential they have together and help them pursue goals they might not have ever thought to pursue. I did a paw reading for my pal Hannah Dogtana years ago and now he’s a seeing eye dog in Carmel Valley. You know how much respect those guys get. But I dog-gress.

I want to see more dogs involved in this community. The humans out here need to throw us a bone. We have been supporting you when you go out to drink and go out to eat, and it’s honestly time to see more dogs in occupational aspects of this community. My name is Phil and I speak on behalf of many dogs in this community. Our dogs’ arms are outstretched, and we just want the love you’ve got to offer.

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