Consent to APP

April 12, 2024
2 mins read

I know a guy who has been on more Tinder dates than he has had hot meals. Recently, he told me about his latest date.  
He said, “They never look like their picture. Never. And this girl was no different. We met at a café. Look, I’m no Brad Pitt so I got no podium to judge from, I know this. But still I tried to avoid her. I walked right past her and headed for the bathroom, but I heard someone say my name. I couldn’t get in the bathroom quick enough.  
“That was a mistake. I should’ve simply walked right back out. I trapped myself! I washed my hands for like half an hour, hoping she would be gone by the time I was done. No such luck. Hers was the first face I saw when I opened the door, with this toothy smile like a great white about to make contact. I was terrified. My mouth dropped but I had to smoothly transition it into a smile. We exchanged pleasantries while I tried to make up a reason to leave.     
“She had already bought us pastries and coffee. So I sat there and drank my coffee as this girl used her teeth to rip open ten, I counted, sugar packets into her coffee, and before she bit her eleventh she handed it to me and asked if I wanted one. I took it just to not have her pour another one. The date went on, and I nodded along, looked around the café as I hoped someone I knew would come in.  
“No such luck. What luck I did have was the girl took out a flask and poured herself a drink. She offered me one, and you know me I don’t drink but I took that flask so fast I scared her. I poured myself half the cup and chugged it. Now, due to my sensitive constitution that alcohol affected me like it would an observant Christian.  
“I had another shot. 
“Not that I can’t remember what happened next, but I don’t understand my reasoning. She wasn’t drunk. But she got an Uber. I told her my address, and she convinced me that it would be a better idea if I spent the night at her place. I nodded along and didn’t think anything of it. 
“We got to her place, an apartment in Monterey and she offered me more to drink, but I’d had enough. We sat on the couch and watched Netflix, while her two cats huddled at our feet like slippers. Her place was surprisingly clean, full of books and odd folksy artwork.  
“After awhile she started googlyeyeing me and I leaned in for a kiss. She got all serious like and took out her phone. I looked at her sideways as she spent a minute on it before she presented it to me and asked if I had a certain app. I didn’t know what it was. “It’s the Consent app” she told me. “You download it to consent with each other in sexual adventures.” I didn’t know there was such a thing. She grabbed my phone off the coffee table and asked me for my password. I looked at her incredulously. “If we’re gonna kiss we must do this,” she said.  
That’s when I really sobered up.

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