DILLIGS!? Tools: Not Just an Insult

July 15, 2024
2 mins read
DILLIGS!? Tools: Not just a slang insult
By Mary Tompsett © 2024 Foolish Times, August 2024 Text = 720 Words

I killed a queen this morning… very satisfying. I was also feeling ashamed but then I
decided I probably had a previous and joyful life as a 17th c. French executioner.
Anyway, there’s a long wait for custom 3-D printed guillotines, so I offed Her Highness
with a carpet remnant. My house is on a slab next to a field, with interspecies fun for all.
And this queen was a one-inch beauty of a carpenter ant — my kind of gal, clad in a
tiara and a tool belt surrounded by her dying lackeys. I was barefoot and had yet to
slurp the day’s first coffee. The carpet spared me from the icky crunching sound — and
feel — of an exoskeletal death beneath my tootsies. ‘Tis a blessed life I have.

Non sequitur alert! Farrier tools are very specialized. Even the nails have unique heads
and the points are beveled to bend away from the sensitive hoof tissue as they’re
hammered in. I still have a few tools from those days. Who needs pumice when I can
slide my callused camel feet across a 14” hoof rasp?

Hello, August. I believe we can add sweaty and repulsive to our list of endearing
personal flaws. So I hope my words feel like a Slip ‘n Slide. Bathing caps are required,
suits are optional. And out of an enormous amount of BS, my staff has selected only
what lends itself to tight clumping. Bring your own scoop. Welcome to DILLIGS, aka
“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”

QUESTION: What could I use to remove a tick? DILLIGS: I vote for a lamprey. Check
with the YMCA, they may have caught one in their pool filter. After the tick passes
through the hideous ring of teeth, remove both critters with a “Soft Kitty” shop
vac/crowbar combo, previously sold at Bed Bath & Beyond, a store sadly missing a
comma since forever and now kaput and beyond. Good luck with the tick. I’m leaning
toward consigning this paltry scheme to the cemetery of best strategies.

QUESTION: An ad for a “Ken Dahl Bowie” claims it’s the only tool I need in the
wilderness. Is that true? DILLIGS: Hey, I bought that knife! My review is split between
this and the next question. It nestles in a cute holster that requires a belt or a burning
desire to reconfigure suspenders on a wetsuit. The wide, nine-inch blade has a tapered
razor edge, and is set in a handle pimped out in colorful stripes. Parts of the maker’s ID
have fallen off the handle, and now it looks like “Ken Doll ‘owie.” Pause here to
consider if your ego can live with that. As for being the only tool, that’s cuckoo.
Obviously, bring your phone, ear buds, flossing picks, inhaler, and Sponge Bob Square
Pants baby wipes.

QUESTION: How does the Stumpmaker XXL knife compare to a Ken Dahl? DILLIGS:
So glad you asked, skip the Stumpy. Sure, the KD handle cries for duct tape, and the
“insider” discount code AMPUTEE was a bit off-putting. But overall the Ken Dahl knife is
amazing. Ignore the ad hype of “trekking the unmarked trails” and “carving your own
adventure.” Put on your sunscreen, bug spray and hair pomade, then carefully
unsheathe the Ken Dahl and poke a hole in the bag of Gummy Bears. Do not eat off the knife! Dump your Davy Crockett fantasies, and string together a “bear claw” trophy
necklace out of misshapen Prilosec capsules. The KD knife is a crackerjack tool to
shave a vertical path down your furry uni-brow or to slice your way out of that crap
sleeping bag with the sticky zipper. It’s also great for cutting bison jerky into kibble-bits
so your volcanic GERD issues don’t spook the wildlife. And yes, the knife also adds
oomph to city life! Use it to serve cake at the Kids-R-Us open house. Shorten that new
pair of Aquaman boxers. Enjoy the thrill of cleaning your teeth while riding public transit. Caution: Holster it properly, or you’ll throw your hip out.

Final words: I’ve added “Ken Doll ‘owie” to my writer’s tool box and can now flee the
Blank Page Monster by reaming out the disgusting crevices on my keyboard, often
moving on to scrape the stove knobs. I’ve also upped my Vitamin K intake to goose
blood coagulation.

Since 1995 have written for numerous publications. Two previous humor columns: POSING AS NORMAL, and THE VILLAGE IDIOM. Won a few contests. No fame, no big money, but having a blast.

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