Green: Fun, Foibles and Eeew

April 12, 2024
2 mins read

Boston’s subways have surely been upgraded, but I remember riding the
Green Line in decrepit, claustrophobic cars, swapping oxygen and dead skin
cells with strangers. Worse yet, science tells us we constantly exchange
atoms with everything around us. On a good day, this sounds like a galactic
square dance, atoms swirling maniacally but without string ties and pastel
taffeta. On days when the straitjacket pinches, it creeps me out that the green
film in the dehumidifier is now “me.” Note to self: Google DIY exorcism.

For new perspectives, I’ve gathered celebrity guests to tap their Green
experiences in response to readers’ questions. As evidenced in the following
transcript, three guests politely waited their turn without interrupting. One
guest proved to be a handful, a sassy juggernaut in heels. Welcome to
DILLIGS, aka “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”

QUESTION: Any tips for partners who are wildly different?
MISS PIGGY: Stand back, I’ve got this one! A spindly frog and I fell in love,
even though he eats flies and complains it’s hard to be green. Like, being a
pig is easy?? But I’m content to be famous and dangerously curvy, some
might say plump. Clearly, my magnetic personality attracts more atoms than I
can give away. And don’t roll your eyes, because I’ll tell you again, “Beauty is
in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a
stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” I’ll proclaim my truth, unlike
certain Euro female frogs who avoid sex by faking death. Avoid sex? Moi?
That’s hilarious. If I was tired or grumpy, I might occasionally fake something
— no, it’s not what you’re thinking. But fake death?? That would be
impossible because, in case you haven’t noticed, I can’t shut up. Have I been
hogging the mic?

QUESTION: Is there a good way to determine one’s destiny?
PRINCESS AND THE PEA: Absolutely. Take the mattress test. Lie on top of
a stack of them and if you feel the pea at the bottom, you’re royalty. By the
way, I sell discount mattresses — MISS PIGGY (interrupts) This nonsense
gets my hackles up, and in this dress that’s not a good look. We make our
own destiny! For moi, that means diamonds, a global fan base, and a frog
who’s a good kisser. Don’t believe these pea-brained small town princess
hustlers. Instead, heed the words of Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles, “You’ve
got to remember… these are people of the land. The common clay … you
know… morons.”

QUESTION: Eat your greens, people say. But what if I don’t like them?
OLIVE OYL: Oh me oh my. Thanks to spinach, Popeye won every fight! It was
a miracle! MISS PIGGY: Excuse me, I think not! Your sailor man felt a classic
placebo effect, fueling profits for agri-business. An alternative was lounging in
the middle of the Periodic Table: kryptonite! The green crystal would’ve
stopped Bluto in his tracks, but it was that rascal Superman who cashed in on

it. By the way, have you ever eaten canned spinach?!? That is one glob of
green yucky, akin to the mess beneath a stack of used knockoff mattresses.

QUESTION: How can I balance success with integrity?
JOLLY GREEN GIANT: As a former Tupperware party host, I was ecstatic to
get this veggie gig, and envisioned filling bib overalls with bare-chested
muscle. Sadly, my costume is a bizarre leafy mini-dress with cheap tights that
always run. I’m so pathetic! If only — MISS PIGGY: Sorry to interrupt,
handsome. Take it from moi, you hot-rock those duds with all the slow moves
of a lava lamp. Since Kermy and I parted, I own my personal power and have
set strategic goals. To quote myself, “I’m waiting for a really strong and
meaningful pig role.” But in the meantime, you’ll be jolly to know I’ve ditched
fresh produce and am available to wrap my hooves around your cans and
give those tights a seismic run you won’t forget. Whew! I’m suddenly flushed
and feel a swoon coming on… quick, I need pancakes.

On that note, DILLIGS would like to thank our insightful guests. Inspired with
fresh confidence, I put new green grips on my exorcism forceps and
expanded the tool kit to include neoprene exam gloves.

To thine own sow be true.

Mary Tompsett © 2024

Since 1995 have written for numerous publications. Two previous humor columns: POSING AS NORMAL, and THE VILLAGE IDIOM. Won a few contests. No fame, no big money, but having a blast.

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