Foolish Horoscopes 2024

January 17, 2024
3 mins read

Aries

Last Scorpio season brought in an awareness of all that has been hidden. Like when you had to remember to return all the office supplies you stole from work because your spouse invited your boss to dinner. Now in Sagittarius season, your adventurous and entrepreneurial spirit is ignited! You might just take your job’s biggest competitor up on their offer to pay you for company secrets.

Taurus

Big changes are coming in for you. Only you and you alone can decide whether to mend the holes in your underwear or buy a new pair. That is of course, if you can manage to break up your routine of thinking about home when you’re at work, thinking about work when you’re at home, and stuffing your face with beef quesadillas while driving in your car to either destination.

Gemini

This month you’re reflecting on the past and reevaluating future plans— like where you left your car keys and where you will leave them in the future. For the most part, your mind will become far more decisive in solving problems that have persisted for a long time. Like deciding enough is enough! You are finally ready to let go of that 15% off coupon to Blockbuster video.

Cancer

Expect to connect more with friends and family this month. However beware! Only your real friends will help you bury the bodies of your closest relatives after uncle John insists on bringing up politics during Christmas dinner. That is of course, if you can manage to get an invite after being ghosted by your mother for forgetting to add sugar to the cranberry sauce last Thanksgiving.

Leo

This time of year brings in great optimism for you. Discovering that your cat is hissing at a mouse in wall and not an evil spirit, will really put some pep in your step. You are not letting the troubles of current world events get you down. You see the light at the end of the tunnel and are actually looking forward to the opportunity to haunt all your enemies in the afterlife for not listening to you about the coming smart phone apocalypse.

Virgo

You will become a much more effective communicator this month. Your family and friends will be thrilled you finally emptied out your voicemail box so that they can leave a message. This new energy also comes with the unapologetic truth. Like when you tell them, you keep your voicemail box full on purpose in order to weed out anyone who doesn’t know how to send text messages.

Libra

You will be a busy beaver this month— which is weird since Halloween was two months ago. Speaking of costumes, you should really apologize to your boss for dressing up like his deceased cat for laughs at his x-wife’s birthday party. Word is out.

Scorpio

Your challenge this month is all about finding a balance between your personal relationships and your work-life. But since you’re probably unemployed— congratulations! Mission accomplished. Despite any obstacles you may face, your unwavering spirit will reign supreme as you figure out the best method of revenge on a corporate recruiter who ghosted you after the second interview.

Sagittarius

This year culminates in a new cycle for you. Be excited! Time for you to dust off the champagne flutes and party like it’s 2019! That’s right. All the problems you thought you solved by dying your hair and redecorating your living room are coming back to bite. What better way to pay off your student loans than learning how to ride a unicycle and taking up fire juggling lessons?

Capricorn

Greener pastures are just on the horizon. Unfortunately, you live closer to a fertilizer plant and hate leaving the house. Once you manage to get out of your comfort zone and try something new, many great things in your life will begin unfold. Like testing out that “high voltage” sign on your front door in order to deter solicitors and booby trapping your lawn. Your reclusiveness will be unmatched!

Aquarius

Your confidence is growing and people are beginning to trust you more. How could they not? A lot has changed since you stopped wearing your “I heart spotted dick” t-shirt. And things have definitely improved since you stopped offering the aforementioned dish to random strangers at the gas station. Indeed, much progress has been made over the course of time. For example, you’ve learned the importance of always making sure to ask before taking a sip of someone’s drink and never going to work barefooted.

Pisces

This month will bring in more opportunities to demonstrate strength and leadership. Like when you led a group of loitering drunks into a Walgreens so you could get the best parking space in front of Starbucks. Of course, they weren’t exactly loitering drunks but rather the traveling pack of giant stuffed animals whose sole purpose is to remind you to turn your headlights on at night.

Arvia is a graphic artist, designer, and content creator from Southern California.

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