The beginning of the year, like every other, people across the globe create plans to improve their lives by making changes in the areas of personal development, financial planning and social connectedness. Below is a list of the top ten most popular New Year’s resolutions and a bit of advice on how to successfully follow through with them so that lists like this won’t look the same every single year.
- Lose weight
Decrease your goal weight by 5lbs every year. That way, you can feel a sense of accomplishment after years of failed weight loss attempts.
- Spend less money on food
Cut your food budget in half by taking the little critters dragged in by your cat or dog and slapping them on the grill the way God intended.
- Spend more time with friends and family
If you’ve been looking for more opportunities to invest time in loved ones, try abandoning your current life and joining a cult. Unlike with your actual friends and family, your likelihood of sticking around will be incentivized by brainwashing and blackmail.
- Exercise more
To increase your overall physical activity, pretend all you past failed New Year’s resolutions, materialized, grew legs, and will not stop chasing you until you purchase another gym membership.
- Decrease social media usage
Spend less time on social media by repeatedly breaking terms of service agreements with offensive and profane comments until they ban your I.P. address.
- Reduce overall spending
Reduce living expenses across the board by permanently moving into the family mausoleum.
- Reduce work stress
Mitigate on-the-job stress by releasing a poisonous snake into your home and driving your car with at least one flat tire. That way, your work-life should improve by comparison.
- Have more fun!
Invest more time in recreational activities like visiting your local unemployment office and bragging about how large your tax return is and what you’ll spend it on, or eating bacon double cheese burgers in front of co-workers who made ill-fated weight loss resolutions.
- Quit Smoking
Curb your cigarette smoking addiction by thinking of all the money you could be spending on alcohol and weed.
- Earn extra money
Increase your income this year by pretending to be a therapist. That way, all your codependent friends and romantic partners will be charged hourly for emotionally dumping on you after the holiday season.